The 10 most disappointing chocolate bars
You’re not sure of what you want, but you know you want something.
Before you a cascading wall of myriad jewels – the confectionary section. That bar? That bag? Which do you choose?
‘Wait a minute I haven’t had one of those for ages,’ you say to yourself, ‘I wonder why?’
Only when you’ve finished do you have the answer.
It was shit.
This is not a list of things I don’t like – quite the contrary; it is things I like very much or want to like very much but am always disappointed by.
It should really be called ‘Top 10 most disappointing confectionary items’ but the first victim of cutting edge journalism has to be truth!
Cadbury’s Marvellous Creations Banana Caramel Crisp
Perhaps my favourite ever chocolate bar is the Cadbury’s Marvellous Creations Jelly Bean popping candy triumph, so I always look forward to a new MC bar rolling off the production line in Bournville Poland.
Luckily this time they have changed the formula of packing Dairy Milk with stuff you might actually like to eat to using generic sweet crunchy ‘bits’ and cloyingly fake banana flavour. Thank goodness for that!
I have no problems with any of its variants – I’m the first to ferret out all the Galaxy Truffles in a box of Celebrations – but have never got on with the Mothership. Its self-proclaimed silky smoothness is not enough to make up for the lack of flavour – it’s JUST sweet. And if I wanted sweet I’d eat some sweets!! It is the greatest advert for Cadbury’s Dairy Milk there is.
Come on, who isn’t disappointed with a Kinder Egg? The chocolate shell is, at best rubbish chocolate and the toy is ALWAYS a let-down – with a built in obsolescence rivalled only by Ikea beds.
Cadbury’s Marvellous Mix-Ups
Woah!! We have got some crazy shit going on here!!
Cadbury’s have taken mini Oreos in one version and Maynards fruit jellies in the other and PUT THEM IN A BAG WITH OTHER THINGS!! Like Caramel nibbles, buttons and fudge pieces – you krayzeee Cadbury’s kids!!
What you want it to be is Willy Wonka meets The Fly – mutant chocolates fused together into surprising and amazing taste sensations.
What you get is the equivalent of a cheap box of chocolates in an over-priced bag.
I realise that they have worn us down through sheer over exposure, to the point where nobody can even remember when they were the sole preserve of gifts from European holidays. Surely this lack of resistance is the reason people continue to buy them? It can’t be the taste – not a lot there; or the texture – like chewing bits of old rubber in varying states of decay; or the nutritional value – that’ll be sugar, gelatine and not a lot else.
Every time you eat the first one you know the only thing you will remember upon finishing the packet is the aching jaw.
I am the first to doff my cap to the British confectioners Swizzels Matlow – I am firm friends with their Climpies and believe a white Love Heart is worth far more than its weight in gold. But I draw the line at their Squashies – billed as ‘squashy’ versions of their Drumstick and Refreshers classics, you can almost see them clinging on to the brand with dear life, hoping no one will point out they have no relation to the solid versions at all. Don’t buy them. In fact, Swizzels don’t bother making them.
Kit Kat Chunky
Despite the change from foil and paper to plastic foil wrappers, Kit Kats are still an awesome treat. They are perfect with a cup of tea and the fact they have four fingers makes it fell like they just keep going. Their ratio of wafer to chocolate is spot on. In a chunky version it is not. WAY TOO MUCH chocolate, not enough wafer and weirdly they never seem to be big enough!
I’m sure there used to be the odd raisin in the biscuit base of a Double Decker? Didn’t there? At least that used to break up the monotony of ploughing through this uninspiring nougat based 80s behemoth. Curse you nostalgia!!
A real old school chocolate bar, from simpler times – when you could get away with building a brand around something you could make at home! The rather meagre layer of toffee in a toffee crisp only serves to exacerbate the disappointment. Sadly times move on and if there is a bar out there that needs a few variants, it’s the orange plastic clad Toffee Crisp – stick a bit of popping candy in there? Anything to make it worth eating!!
Malteser Teaser (Celebrations)
‘Wow! Look a massive Malteser!’
Who didn’t think that the first time they came across the red wrapper whilst mining a box of Celebrations? Only it’s not, is it? They’ve seemingly swept the floor of the Malteser factory and moulded all the broken bits together – and to add insult to injury they have since put out a bar of the same! Can someone just tell the branding team at Mars that sticking Malteser on the wrapper doesn’t make it a Malteser, it just makes it a lie.