Thou Shalt Always Cook

I love food and I love music. I couldn’t resist reinterpreting Thou Shalt Always Kill by the brilliant Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip, into a food rant.

Play the video, listen to the words, chuckle, play it again whilst reading my words, chuckle some more.

That Shalt Always Cook

Thou shalt not microwave baked potatoes;

Thou shalt not worship TV chefs or follow cookalongs;

Thou shalt not take the names of Fanny Craddock, Keith Floyd, Ken Hom, Elizabeth David, Anthony Bourdain, Hugh Fearnley Wittingstall or Escoffier in vein;

Thou shalt not think that any male under 16 doing domestic science is gay or a bit queer, some people just like to cook;

Thou shalt not eat KFC;

Thou shalt not start liking a food just because it has become popular;

Thou shalt not question Blumenthal;

Thou shalt not judge a cookbook by its cover;

Thou shalt not judge Italian food by Jamie Oliver;

Thou shalt not buy Coca Cola products,

Thou shalt not buy Nestle products,

Thou shalt not invite people round to dinner serve ready meals from M&S and say you made them;

Thou shalt not get drunk so easily;

Thou shalt not use food, wine or cake to get into girls pants……use it to get into their heads;

Thou shalt not watch Masterchef;

Thou shalt not attend a cookery class and then think you can cook just because you can make a fucking cupcake, you self righteous prick;

Thou shalt not return to the same restaurant week in & week out just because you fancy the waitress who was only being nice to you because she wants a bigger tip;

Thou shalt not slag off supermarkets just because people you don’t like shop in them, no matter how big they are or small;

Tesco… is just a shop;

Sainsburys… just a shop;

Waitrose… just a shop;

Morrisons… just a shop;

Co Op… just a shop;

Spar… just a shop;

M&S… just a shop;

Budgens… just a shop;

Aldi… just a shop;

Netto… just a shop;

Lidl… just a shop;

Asda… just a shop;

Somerfield… just a shop;

Farmfoods… just a shop;

Iceland… just a shop;

The farmers market …just a shop.

Thou shalt try and buy British products in season as much as possible even though those strawberries from the USA, over there, are on special;

Thou shalt remember that Pringles, Rustlers and Diet Coke were never part of a balanced diet and never will be;

Thou shalt not buy one to get one free;

Thou shalt not buy one to get one free;

Thou shalt not buy one to get one free;

Thou shalt not buy one to get one free;

Thou shalt not pimp my snack;

Thou shalt not believe Every little helps;

Thou shalt not think Bounty is the taste of paradise;

Thou shalt not trust that That’s Asda price;

When I say “cheap” thou shalt not say “good”;

When I say “veg” thou shalt not say “crisps”;

When I say, he say, she say, we say “Diet Coke break”…..kill me;

Thou shalt not be lovin’ it;

Thou shalt not eat Cadburys chocolate any longer;

Thou shalt not eat all you can at Pizza Hut buffet;

Thou shalt spell the word yoghurt : Y-O-G-H-U-R-T not `Y-O-G-U-R-T regardless of what Danone, Muller or Yeo Valley tells you;

Thou shalt not feign pleasure or delight at another shit foam or balsamic reduction by saying “it’s lovely”

Thou shalt eat fresh food;

But most importantly of all:

Thou Shalt Always…

Thou Shalt Always… Cook


[Apologies to Mr Le Sac & Mr Pip]


5 comments on “Thou Shalt Always Cook”

  1. Louis's comment - added on 23rd of April, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    Brilliant laughed the whole way throught! I’m sure Mr Pip will be very proud of your re-write. If I had a hat, I’d take it off.

  2. Sonny-D's comment - added on 23rd of April, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    This is great! Captures the mood of the original really well, and makes some good points ;-)

  3. Louis's comment - added on 23rd of April, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    ps. The jukebox and the terrorist to do a ‘healthy eating campaign’ with this! Think of all that tasty government ca$h.

  4. IlavDralgoner's comment - added on 9th of August, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    Mr. Pip himself tweeted us these lyrics, well done Epicurean, very well done :)

  5. Roz's comment - added on 29th of October, 2010 at 1:40 am

    but I LOVE masterchef!! (well, the aussie version anyway – haven’t seen the brit one!)

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