The only 10 Food Rules you need

 Heinz Tomato Ketchup - the king of condiments

You can never have too many condiments

There has been an explosion in the sauce aisle (not literally, well not since my mum dropped that massive glass bottle of ketchup in Wolverhampton Sainsbury’s in 1984) – with a kaleidoscope of shapes, colours and flavours proliferating the shelves. There is a tomato, BBQ or chilli concoction to suit every dish you could dream of. Right here. In your local supermarket! Fill your baskets people, pile your trolleys – you have no excuse for bland or dry food any more.

May your condiment cupboard never quite shut.

Soup is just a hot drink (and not a meal)

The darling of slimmers and beloved of office workers everywhere, soup is the go-to lunch for those wanting a light lunch. You might as well have a cup of tea with some over dunked digestive floating in it! The reason it’s a light lunch option is because it’s not lunch – IT’S A DRINK!  

Sweetcorn cheapens a meal

Everywhere there is a cheap food there is sweetcorn – tuna sandwich, pasta salads, pizzas are all reduced in stature by the addition of these evil yellow jewels. Added by producers not for flavour, or texture – just to bulk out their product and make more money. Whenever you see sweetcorn in something, you know there is someone at a five-star resort, enjoying an ice-cold beer whilst dangling their feet in the pool – and you have paid the bill through their sweetcorn tax.

Supermarkets aren’t evil

We, as a society, are too lazy to shop around and choose to give all our money to one or two supermarkets at best – usually the most convenient. Supermarkets are just shops – we give them the power by choosing to use them. Don’t complain about how they monopolise things and then order your groceries online, so you have more time to go on Facebook and watch ‘I’m a Celebrity’! You want smaller shops to survive? Use them.

Brand extensions are always disappointing

Oh look they do Twix balls! Oh look they do Toffee Crisp cereal! Oh look they do a Malteser bar! Oh look you can get Whiskers flavoured crisps!* Disappointment manifests itself in many ways, nowhere is it more apparent than in a brand extension. They always have all the appeal of a favourite product with none of the reward – just the bitter taste of unfulfilled promise.

Hot food, cold drink; cold food, hot drink

I have seen some crazy stuff in my life – but nothing astounds me more than someone ordering a hot chocolate with a McDonald’s Fillet O’ Fish. It’s not the chocolate fish interface that appals me – it’s the hot drink with hot food that I can’t wrap my head around! Hot drinks should be eaten with cold food, eg. tea and biscuits, coffee and cake. Whilst cold drinks compliment hot food to perfection, eg. beer and pizza, wine and pasta, coke and burgers, limeade and chips Those poor folk that think tea somehow goes with fish and chips supper are not only deluded but should be avoided at all costs. [caveat: Tea obviously goes with a full english, that is the exception]

You eat bread with your hands

I once worked with a bloke called Sam. Despite being quite different we got on well and on occasion enjoyed visiting The Worst Pub In The World** – for a deep fried lunch, a cold pint and a spin on the Pointless quiz machine. It was here I learned of his strange perversion – an almost unforgivable anomoly to an otherwise perfectly pleasant chap.

He ate his burger with a knife and fork.

That isn’t right. Not one little bit.

Chips are not just chips

Heston came along with his triple cooked chips and every gastro pub in the land suddenly went massive-chip-jenga crazy, but there is more than one way to deep fry a slice of potato. Chips are never just chips, and there is a chip for every occasion.

McDonald’s fries are completely different from Burger King’s, Chip shops serve up completely different fare compared to home-made chips and the crinkle-cut oven variety is a world away from its straight cut brethren. Next time you are faced with the ubiquitous ‘served with chips’, demand to know more.

There is a season for everything

I do not believe in eating Strawberries at Christmas, in fact I don’t think they should be consumed outside of their summer season. Fresh produce obviously tastes better when eaten at the time it naturally grows, but It’s not just fruit and veg than should remain seasonal. The pushing, and acceptance of Roses and Quality Street outside of the festive period is grotesque and verging on immoral! What next Creme Eggs in the summer? Unthinkable.

And… Always order bread meat cheese on a menu

This goes without saying, but if your menu has something with bread, meat and cheese in it – order it.



*not an actual brand extension – although you watch, it will be soon!

**Not actually its real name.