The 10 worst things to happen in the kitchen

I spend a lot of time in the kitchen, as a consequence I spend a lot of my time being annoyed at things that I do. These are the ten most annoying things that happen to me on a regular basis. I’ve discounted cutting myself, whilst chopping , because of the combined regularity and stupidity of doing it!!

Dropping the foil

A full roll of kitchen foil has quite a heft to it and, when dropped, will go for some distance. Unluckily the roll never rolls in its entirety, it leaves a foil trail, unwinding as it goes. On a good day it can reach ten feet before being rendered stationary. This presents the dilemma of cost verses cleanliness, how much does it cost to waste ten feet of foil and how clean is the floor it rolled on? If you take the gamble and decide to re-roll, you’ll always be disappointed by the rough edged bagginess of your attempt.

Using a tea towel as an oven glove

This is not about burning yourself, this is about how idiotic it is to think that a doubled-up tea towel has the required insulation properties to make a sufficient oven mitt. Time after time I attempt to retrieve items from the oven, with nothing more than a piece of thin cotton. This results in the shit-this-is-hot shuffle, where I frantically try to make it to the nearest surface, before that familiar sensation becomes unbearable. If it’s not my day, the tea towel will be damp, so accelerating the heat distribution!

Overfilling the bin

Emptying the bin is such a thankless task that it deserves its lowly place on the to-do list of life. Therefore why empty it when you can squash the contents down and fit so much more in? The reason becomes quite clear when you have to empty the bag. As you struggle to lift the fecund black sack from its unfeasibly tight jailor, the drawstring will rip away from the liner, making it impossible to close properly. Then, once removed, you notice seemingly blunt packaging has caused an irreparable hemorrhage, so you have to use another bag to sure it all up. Why, oh why didn’t I just empty it in the first place?

Cheap cling film

There is a tipping point in cling film, where too thick and it will have trouble adhering to anything. Too thin and it becomes impossible to find the start and impossible to cut on the serrated edge – stretching beyond reason. Leaving you just a small, shapeless piece, with its edges folded in like a badly made omelette. What improves the cheap cling film even more is the built in obsolescence of the boxes, which currently stands at two weeks. After that, it resorts back to a flat, single piece of cardboard with an annoying plastic strip.

Opening a tin of corned beef

Young kids today, they have it all – they’ve got iPods, we had Walkmans. They’ve got iPhones, we had call boxes. They’ve got ring pulls and we had to play Russian roulette, just to get at tinned meat. The sense of anticipation and dread at slotting the flattened ‘key’ into that metal tab, then, turning slowly, to reveal a teasing glimpse of your fat-flecked quarry, framed by razor sharp edges. Jamming a knife into the side of the tin to try and extract the product only adds to the exhilaration.

Picking up a bag of frozen peas from the bottom

You can get an awful lot of peas in a bag. You perhaps don’t know realise quite how many, until you pick up an open bag  – by the bottom. This frozen pea piñata can distribute its innards over every inch of your kitchen floor in seconds. On your hands and knees, sweeping up peas, is the exact opposite of dignity.

Forgetting you’ve chopped a chilli

A chilli grower once told me how, after spending the day extracting seeds he removed his latex gloves and scratched his eye. What he didn’t realise is there was a pin-sized hole in the finger-tip. He couldn’t see for the next 24hrs. If you’ve ever chopped a chilli and then later touched your eye, you’ll realise how bad it can be, if you’ve ever chopped a chilli and then gone to the toilet you’ll know those bastards can burn!!

Burning toast

The legacy of burning toast is a long lasting one. It announces to the world that you are so bad at cooking, you cannot even master the simplest culinary process there is. Not in a short obvious way, but in a long lasting obvious way. Everyone who comes to the door will be met by the stench of your failure.

Too much salt

You can always add salt, but you can’t take it away. That is the truest statement you can ever utter – even a potato simmered in the offending saline solution can’t take away the NaCl. You have two choices, throw away the meal you’ve spend hours preparing – which you’re never going to do! – or you can eat it, regretting every sprinkle of the white stuff that you dispensed.

Down to the crust

Reach into the bag that once housed a full sliced loaf, in the hope that there’s enough bread left for that ham sandwich. Only they’re not slices, they’re the crusts!! The only thing you can do is toast and I didn’t want toast.

3 comments on “The 10 worst things to happen in the kitchen”

  1. MissAbs's comment - added on 2nd of October, 2009 at 9:25 pm

    This is my favourite post of them all, so far!

  2. PinkPatentMaryJanes's comment - added on 2nd of January, 2010 at 8:48 am

    Hysterically accurate. However, my problem is that after years of buying every type of oven mitt/glove available, including fancy pants silicone numbers, none ever allow me to have the dexterity required to actually grip something and remove it from the oven. Hence the triple-folded teatowel scenario… {hey, started three sentences with the letter H – how’s that?}

  3. kate's comment - added on 15th of April, 2010 at 11:53 am

    ive jst found ur site andhave smi;ed all the way through.thanks fr a wonderful read!!